The fog of seasonal revelry and the Great January Come-Down are gradually subsiding, leaving me with just enough clarity to gaze into my crystal skull-cap and fabricate, I mean, receive by divine transmission, the Octopus World Horoscope Of 2009.
Now, let me see, ah yes…
Capricorn – The Horned Goat (22nd Dec -19th Jan)
Continued economic turmoil and skirmishes in the middle-east dampen the optimism generated by the world ridding itself of George W, who reminded a lot of people of a certain other cloven, horned individual of popular folklore, and I ain’t talking bout no lilly fawn, well, that’d be a misunderestimation.
Aquarius – The Water Bearer (20th jan – 18th Feb)
January 24th is officially the most depressing day of the year. On this day in 2009 the indie disco washes down 30 nyquil with a bottle of Jack Daniels and slips into an unending sleep.
Pisces – The Fish (19th Feb – 20th March)
Further devaluing of the pound leads to an unprecedented rise in home repossessions. Gordon Brown, is forced to leave number 10, because he cannot keep up with his mortgage repayments. Lloyds TSB now technically owns the British Isles and evicts all 57 million inhabitants, who are forced to tread water in the channel.
Aries – The Ram (21st March - 19th April)
Lengthening Dole queues in the channel lead to a resurgence in dirge music made by miserablist football hooligans from The North with no money, no job, no matches to go to, and nothing but a dinghy and an squire Stratocaster to their name. Sales of trainers rocket as shoe-gazing is resurgent.
Taurus – The Bull (20th April – 20th May)
Sales of skinny jeans plummet as people are forced to dress in neoprene survival wear. American Apparel’s share value collapses, Johnny Borrell offers to donate ½ all Razorlite’s earnings to help the ailing store. The share value collapses further.
Gemini – The Twins (21st May – 20th June)
After Andy Murray wins Wimbledon his genes are spliced with Lewis Hamilton’s to create an army of cloned warriors that repopulate the British Isles and do whatever Nicole Scherzinger tells them.
Cancer – The Crab (21st June – 22nd July)
Glastonbury is sunny, The Pussy Cat Dolls play to a sold out audience of 57 Million Andy Hamiltons, Michael Evis buys Zimbabwe with the profits and ends the tyranny of Mugabe.
Leo – The Lion (23rd July – 22nd Aug)
Simba the Lion King over throws Michael Evis after he turns Zimbabwe into the world’s largest dairy farm. A special dispatch of cows is sent immediately to wean Britney Spears into adulthood.
Virgo - The Virgin (23rd Aug – 22nd Sept)
Kfed comes clean about in-vitro treatment, it emerges that the much-maligned Britney has been a virgin all along and she marries Justin Timberlake. Not to feel left out, Timbaland raps at the wedding ceremony.
Libra – The Balance (23rd Sept – 22nd Oct)
Obama-mania fades as the American economy continues to free-fall. America can no longer economically support its war on brown people with oil. China threatens to declare war on Freedom until Arnold Schwarzenegger stages a military coo, seizing power and revealing that he actually is an indestructible terminator. Phew! Freedom is again obligatory for all.
Scorpio – The Scorpion (23rd Oct – 21st Nov)
After the hottest summer on record polar ice caps fail to re-freeze, homeless polar bears sue United States for their contribution to the loss of their natural habitat. Due to deepening financial crisis, US is unable to pay and forfeits all lands to the polar bears.
Sagittarius – The Archer (22nd Nov – 21st Dec)
Repairs to the CERN particle accelerator are at last completed. Homeless Schwarzenegger leads a terminator army into Europe, eliminates fierce resistance from wave after wave of dairy cows, and Murray/Hamilton clones, captures the device and uses it to create a braze new world. Neon lycra body suits, aerobics classes for all, and techno! Techno! TECHNO!
The Octacle has spoken…
He speaks quite a lot, actually. It gets him into quite a lot of trouble. Anyone’d think he enjoyed it.