Good old Naomi Campbell, Keeping diamonds that would have been used to fund a war...

For Don't Panic



Dear Naomi,

You poor wee thing. How awful that you have been caught up in this intrigue surrounding the Charles Taylor war crimes tribunal. How can you possibly expect to work for a credible jewellery firm again? I mean, this was 1997, way before that Di Caprio film came out! How were you supposed to know what a Blood Diamond was?

And it’s not your fault he came on to you is it? They all do, right? It just so happens this one was a war criminal; and they don’t look any different from the rest of us. How were you to know? I’m looking at the person sitting next to me in the café that I’m writing you this letter from now. They could be a war criminal too for all I know. I mean, unless you actually see them bossing around 10 year old African kids with AK 47’s out of their mind on meths, how are you going to know where the diamonds they try to seduce you with come from?

Only I never get chatted up by the powerful and corrupt despots of failed states, but then my cheek bones aren’t as cat-like and winsome as yours Naomi, and by the way neither are Mia Farrow’s or your old agent Carole White’s and that’s why they’ve contradicted you in court. They are spiteful and bitter women, jealous of what God and Charles Taylor gave you. And that’s been your problem all your life, hasn’t it? I can’t imagine how awful it has been to have to spend your adult life dealing with jealous journalists and twisted colleagues bent on bringing you down to their level, you know; the level where you have to be on time for things and get on with people, some of whom might even appear not to have any cheek bones at all!

But what choice did you have, with your inauspicious upbringing in the backwaters of Streatham (Even though it’s probably St. Reatham on your birth certificate)? I saw you on Oprah last month sobbing with your mother and telling us all how she was never there for you as a child, how could she possibly give you the love you needed and hold down a job?! Tough choices: that’s what love and family are about. So we can forgive you if you throw the occasional (in your own words) ‘fit if I don’t get what I want’. It’s because there are deep abandonment issues there, and that’s OK, it really is. Have you seen Good Will Hunting? Watch it… It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault…

And all this is distracting from the real bad guy here, right? That nasty Charles Taylor, who’s careless flirting caused this whole mess. If he hadn’t been smuggling diamonds to arm child soldiers in Sierra Leon, none of this ‘inconvenience’ would have happened in the first place. Then you would have been free to plan your anniversary party with Vladimir Doronin.

Oh, by the way, good luck with that! I hear it’s going to be the ‘Party of the Season’ with all his billionaire Russian friends and half of Hollywood helicoptering in too! That should help take your mind off things! Maybe he’ll even propose, if he does just make sure it’s a Kimberly diamond this time!

Love

S. Icofant.