Jackass for Guardian Readers

I'm such a twat but you love it... Storming the US embassy london yesterday

Ever felt as if your heading in totally the wrong direction?

Well, have a chuckle at the following charming little anecdote and whatever you do do not read Paulo Cohelo and categorically do not watch The Secret...

In 2008, Syrian lorry driver Necdet Bakimci found himself stranded on a nature reserve in Gibraltar Point, Lincolnshire. He was 1,600 miles from his intended destination: Gibraltar, on the southern tip of Spain. Confusingly, his sat-nav system listed Gibraltar as being in the UK (because it's a colonial outpost). Confronted with a choice of two Gibraltars, both seemingly in the British Isles, Bakimci and his cargo of luxury cars took a 3,200 mile detour.

'Everything You Could Wish an Artist to be'

You know how it is: Sometimes, its tough to accept what the critics say.

You pour your heart and soul into creating an aural master-piece and they accuse you of singing out of key or not being The Strokes or worse still; totally over-look your awesome visionary force and dismiss it with faint praise.

And then one day you spend 5 minutes ripping off Teddy Bears Picnic and suddenly your the darling of the indie press. So I say, pay no attention!

Hang on, whats that?

Talented?

Fun?

Everything you wish an artist could be?

Actually, listen to Blue Walrus, http://www.thebluewalrus.com/, these guys know what they are talking about...

'Sort it Out!'

I have a feeling that I won't be able to shake this one for a while: friends, acquaintances, complete strangers even are going to run up to me in the street, align their index fingers with the horizon and my face and shout 'SORT IT OUT!'. Eventually it'll get so bad that I wont be able to leave the house, I'll have to send out my house mates for food but they'll get annoyed at me so I'll have to work out how to do online shopping (Do M&S even do that???!!!), and i'll have to answer the door to the delivery guys in a balaclava to protect my identity. When the CIA work out who I am they'll freeze all my bank accounts and I wont even be able to do that and my body will gradually atrophy into a pale, ghostly vacuum-packed bag of bones and I'll be blogging my untimely demise with all the histrionics of Jade Goody but with none of the attention.

Which is a shame, because it was a good day all in all.

Aside from saving the world by being 1/100,000th of a human blood clot that blocked the beating heart of the UK financial district outside the Bank of England in London on Wednesday 1st April, I played a gig standing on a wall to said human blood clot right after Billy Bragg and just before Get Cape Wear Cape Fly. Then I did a duet of 'Imagine' with Kate Nash, who I can confirm has the lovely toothy smile one might imagine from a girl with impeccable oral hygiene.

Oh, and then there was that Channel 4 news interview. Would someone follow me around and slap my wrist every time i say 'erm' please?

Jade Goody is not my lover

Jade Goody isn't dead. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble on this one. Living in the mountains of india with Jimi, Janis, Morrison, Kurt and Elvis maybe, but not dead . Its all a bit too fucking perfect, dying on mothers day for fucks sake... It's all too much like Max Clifford's wet dream. I think she's actually standing in for Michael Jackson, I mean, have you ever seen those two slimey fuckers in the room at the same time?

No?

Didn't think so...

And that impostor they've got on telly selling tickets for Michael Jackson's world tour just isn't him, it doesn't look anything like him.

Will the real Michael Jackson please stand up???

What's that? He cant because he's a melting heap of plastic caught in a ray of sunlight in Neverland Paedo-ranch...?

Serves you right for undoing 60 years of the civil-rights movement, I mean white kids, why doesn't anyone notice that shit?!!?

It's all a lie I tell you!!! Everything!!!

Latest Identity Crisis

I've never watched an episode of Skins, wouldn't know a Jonas Brother if he pinched my bum on the tube and would rather be strapped naked to a mobile communications satellite and fired into space than sit through a whole episode of Gavin and Stacey. However, I do know that Bon Ivor isn't a French rhino, would give anything to sing in a cathedral with Fleet Foxes and I can remember what I was doing when Courtney shot her husband. I like to think that fits me nicely into mid-20's culture vulture demographic. Cut to first BBQ of the year on saturday. A friend puts on the 4AD 'Dark Was The Night' compilation. I ask 'Who was that band?' 15 times. Queue late 20's identity crisis.



http://www.myspace.com/yeasayer
http://www.myspace.com/spoon