I have a feeling that I won't be able to shake this one for a while: friends, acquaintances, complete strangers even are going to run up to me in the street, align their index fingers with the horizon and my face and shout 'SORT IT OUT!'. Eventually it'll get so bad that I wont be able to leave the house, I'll have to send out my house mates for food but they'll get annoyed at me so I'll have to work out how to do online shopping (Do M&S even do that???!!!), and i'll have to answer the door to the delivery guys in a balaclava to protect my identity. When the CIA work out who I am they'll freeze all my bank accounts and I wont even be able to do that and my body will gradually atrophy into a pale, ghostly vacuum-packed bag of bones and I'll be blogging my untimely demise with all the histrionics of Jade Goody but with none of the attention.
Which is a shame, because it was a good day all in all.
Aside from saving the world by being 1/100,000th of a human blood clot that blocked the beating heart of the UK financial district outside the Bank of England in London on Wednesday 1st April, I played a gig standing on a wall to said human blood clot right after Billy Bragg and just before Get Cape Wear Cape Fly. Then I did a duet of 'Imagine' with Kate Nash, who I can confirm has the lovely toothy smile one might imagine from a girl with impeccable oral hygiene.
Oh, and then there was that Channel 4 news interview. Would someone follow me around and slap my wrist every time i say 'erm' please?
Friday, 3 April 2009
Monday, 23 March 2009
Jade Goody is not my lover
Jade Goody isn't dead. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble on this one. Living in the mountains of india with Jimi, Janis, Morrison, Kurt and Elvis maybe, but not dead . Its all a bit too fucking perfect, dying on mothers day for fucks sake... It's all too much like Max Clifford's wet dream. I think she's actually standing in for Michael Jackson, I mean, have you ever seen those two slimey fuckers in the room at the same time?
No?
Didn't think so...
And that impostor they've got on telly selling tickets for Michael Jackson's world tour just isn't him, it doesn't look anything like him.
Will the real Michael Jackson please stand up???
What's that? He cant because he's a melting heap of plastic caught in a ray of sunlight in Neverland Paedo-ranch...?
Serves you right for undoing 60 years of the civil-rights movement, I mean white kids, why doesn't anyone notice that shit?!!?
It's all a lie I tell you!!! Everything!!!
No?
Didn't think so...
And that impostor they've got on telly selling tickets for Michael Jackson's world tour just isn't him, it doesn't look anything like him.
Will the real Michael Jackson please stand up???
What's that? He cant because he's a melting heap of plastic caught in a ray of sunlight in Neverland Paedo-ranch...?
Serves you right for undoing 60 years of the civil-rights movement, I mean white kids, why doesn't anyone notice that shit?!!?
It's all a lie I tell you!!! Everything!!!
Latest Identity Crisis
I've never watched an episode of Skins, wouldn't know a Jonas Brother if he pinched my bum on the tube and would rather be strapped naked to a mobile communications satellite and fired into space than sit through a whole episode of Gavin and Stacey. However, I do know that Bon Ivor isn't a French rhino, would give anything to sing in a cathedral with Fleet Foxes and I can remember what I was doing when Courtney shot her husband. I like to think that fits me nicely into mid-20's culture vulture demographic. Cut to first BBQ of the year on saturday. A friend puts on the 4AD 'Dark Was The Night' compilation. I ask 'Who was that band?' 15 times. Queue late 20's identity crisis.
http://www.myspace.com/yeasayer
http://www.myspace.com/spoon
http://www.myspace.com/yeasayer
http://www.myspace.com/spoon
A Call to Arms for Hippies
A new song I'm currently scribing...
It's the year 2009
We are living in dangerous times
We should learn from the hippies, and why the movement failed:
Hippies don't run for government and politicians don't inhale. (OK, I know Obama did once or something, jees stop being such pedant!)
A long time ago in a time called the 60's,
People thought pop music was going to change the world.
They said things like 'All you need is love',
Took the pregnancy pill, and whatever else they could get hold of,
Bob Dylan went electric, Sgt Peppers was a hit
And people realised they could change the world if they gave a shit!
But people got jaded when Vietnam was invaded,
And Jimi, Janis and Morrison assasinated (fuck, not to mention JFK, Malcom X and Martin Luther King)
By the C.I.A.
That was the day
The music died
Take me back to 1969
When changing the world meant a corny line
Like 'Love Is You Need'
Or smoking an ounce of weed
Or taking LSD at Woodstock
Now it's the year 2009
And again we're living in dangerous times
We should learn from the hippies, and why the movement failed:
Hippies don't run for government and politicians don't inhale.
Now its forty years later.
Things have been greater.
The sexual revolution left a fishy taste
Of teenage pregnancies in council estates.
And we've still got war.
We've still got famine.
As opposed to getting out your head to The Grateful Dead
People do it now listening to Radiohead instead.
The people are still jaded.
Now Iraq's been invaded.
The Gaza strip's in Israel's grip,
Even Syria's been raided.
Still we tow the line,
Maybe now's the time
To bring the music back to life.
Today everybody's jaded.
The hippies have all traded
Free love in for a stable job and like their bell bottoms they've faded
How did it go this far.
Remember who you are,
And give the music C.P.R.
It's the year 2009
We are living in dangerous times
We should learn from the hippies, and why the movement failed:
Hippies don't run for government and politicians don't inhale. (OK, I know Obama did once or something, jees stop being such pedant!)
A long time ago in a time called the 60's,
People thought pop music was going to change the world.
They said things like 'All you need is love',
Took the pregnancy pill, and whatever else they could get hold of,
Bob Dylan went electric, Sgt Peppers was a hit
And people realised they could change the world if they gave a shit!
But people got jaded when Vietnam was invaded,
And Jimi, Janis and Morrison assasinated (fuck, not to mention JFK, Malcom X and Martin Luther King)
By the C.I.A.
That was the day
The music died
Take me back to 1969
When changing the world meant a corny line
Like 'Love Is You Need'
Or smoking an ounce of weed
Or taking LSD at Woodstock
Now it's the year 2009
And again we're living in dangerous times
We should learn from the hippies, and why the movement failed:
Hippies don't run for government and politicians don't inhale.
Now its forty years later.
Things have been greater.
The sexual revolution left a fishy taste
Of teenage pregnancies in council estates.
And we've still got war.
We've still got famine.
As opposed to getting out your head to The Grateful Dead
People do it now listening to Radiohead instead.
The people are still jaded.
Now Iraq's been invaded.
The Gaza strip's in Israel's grip,
Even Syria's been raided.
Still we tow the line,
Maybe now's the time
To bring the music back to life.
Today everybody's jaded.
The hippies have all traded
Free love in for a stable job and like their bell bottoms they've faded
How did it go this far.
Remember who you are,
And give the music C.P.R.
reaction to poem for a lost lover...
Many responses...
Thanks ladies!
Conclusion:
Girlies love poems (probably as long as they are not written by their own bloke), the only comment this got from a man was from a guy I went to school with who said 'You are gay', which he then deleted, presumably because he realised that if he started writing soppy poetry, he too might just be furnished with the attention from the opposite sex he so desired... But I imagine that most guys would probably think that, so I don't blame him. 18th century epicene romantic poets raising their wrists to their foreheads with studied gamine ruined poetry for the straight man, and made him hide behind a guitar.
x
Thanks ladies!
Conclusion:
Girlies love poems (probably as long as they are not written by their own bloke), the only comment this got from a man was from a guy I went to school with who said 'You are gay', which he then deleted, presumably because he realised that if he started writing soppy poetry, he too might just be furnished with the attention from the opposite sex he so desired... But I imagine that most guys would probably think that, so I don't blame him. 18th century epicene romantic poets raising their wrists to their foreheads with studied gamine ruined poetry for the straight man, and made him hide behind a guitar.
x
Poem for a lost lover..
Written a while ago now, don't usually go in for this poem-writing malarky, but I actually quite like this one...
Seeking distraction in some frantic beat prose
No comma for breath, no space to compose.
Each full stop is filled with you
Grimaced in rapture of somebody new,
Trickling sweat in smalls of backs
Respite keeps pace with Kerouac.
Seeking distraction in some frantic beat prose
No comma for breath, no space to compose.
Each full stop is filled with you
Grimaced in rapture of somebody new,
Trickling sweat in smalls of backs
Respite keeps pace with Kerouac.
Octopus World Horoscope 2009
The fog of seasonal revelry and the Great January Come-Down are gradually subsiding, leaving me with just enough clarity to gaze into my crystal skull-cap and fabricate, I mean, receive by divine transmission, the Octopus World Horoscope Of 2009.
Now, let me see, ah yes…
Capricorn – The Horned Goat (22nd Dec -19th Jan)
Continued economic turmoil and skirmishes in the middle-east dampen the optimism generated by the world ridding itself of George W, who reminded a lot of people of a certain other cloven, horned individual of popular folklore, and I ain’t talking bout no lilly fawn, well, that’d be a misunderestimation.
Aquarius – The Water Bearer (20th jan – 18th Feb)
January 24th is officially the most depressing day of the year. On this day in 2009 the indie disco washes down 30 nyquil with a bottle of Jack Daniels and slips into an unending sleep.
Pisces – The Fish (19th Feb – 20th March)
Further devaluing of the pound leads to an unprecedented rise in home repossessions. Gordon Brown, is forced to leave number 10, because he cannot keep up with his mortgage repayments. Lloyds TSB now technically owns the British Isles and evicts all 57 million inhabitants, who are forced to tread water in the channel.
Aries – The Ram (21st March - 19th April)
Lengthening Dole queues in the channel lead to a resurgence in dirge music made by miserablist football hooligans from The North with no money, no job, no matches to go to, and nothing but a dinghy and an squire Stratocaster to their name. Sales of trainers rocket as shoe-gazing is resurgent.
Taurus – The Bull (20th April – 20th May)
Sales of skinny jeans plummet as people are forced to dress in neoprene survival wear. American Apparel’s share value collapses, Johnny Borrell offers to donate ½ all Razorlite’s earnings to help the ailing store. The share value collapses further.
Gemini – The Twins (21st May – 20th June)
After Andy Murray wins Wimbledon his genes are spliced with Lewis Hamilton’s to create an army of cloned warriors that repopulate the British Isles and do whatever Nicole Scherzinger tells them.
Cancer – The Crab (21st June – 22nd July)
Glastonbury is sunny, The Pussy Cat Dolls play to a sold out audience of 57 Million Andy Hamiltons, Michael Evis buys Zimbabwe with the profits and ends the tyranny of Mugabe.
Leo – The Lion (23rd July – 22nd Aug)
Simba the Lion King over throws Michael Evis after he turns Zimbabwe into the world’s largest dairy farm. A special dispatch of cows is sent immediately to wean Britney Spears into adulthood.
Virgo - The Virgin (23rd Aug – 22nd Sept)
Kfed comes clean about in-vitro treatment, it emerges that the much-maligned Britney has been a virgin all along and she marries Justin Timberlake. Not to feel left out, Timbaland raps at the wedding ceremony.
Libra – The Balance (23rd Sept – 22nd Oct)
Obama-mania fades as the American economy continues to free-fall. America can no longer economically support its war on brown people with oil. China threatens to declare war on Freedom until Arnold Schwarzenegger stages a military coo, seizing power and revealing that he actually is an indestructible terminator. Phew! Freedom is again obligatory for all.
Scorpio – The Scorpion (23rd Oct – 21st Nov)
After the hottest summer on record polar ice caps fail to re-freeze, homeless polar bears sue United States for their contribution to the loss of their natural habitat. Due to deepening financial crisis, US is unable to pay and forfeits all lands to the polar bears.
Sagittarius – The Archer (22nd Nov – 21st Dec)
Repairs to the CERN particle accelerator are at last completed. Homeless Schwarzenegger leads a terminator army into Europe, eliminates fierce resistance from wave after wave of dairy cows, and Murray/Hamilton clones, captures the device and uses it to create a braze new world. Neon lycra body suits, aerobics classes for all, and techno! Techno! TECHNO!
The Octacle has spoken…
He speaks quite a lot, actually. It gets him into quite a lot of trouble. Anyone’d think he enjoyed it.
http://www.myspace.com/ollytheoctopus
Now, let me see, ah yes…
Capricorn – The Horned Goat (22nd Dec -19th Jan)
Continued economic turmoil and skirmishes in the middle-east dampen the optimism generated by the world ridding itself of George W, who reminded a lot of people of a certain other cloven, horned individual of popular folklore, and I ain’t talking bout no lilly fawn, well, that’d be a misunderestimation.
Aquarius – The Water Bearer (20th jan – 18th Feb)
January 24th is officially the most depressing day of the year. On this day in 2009 the indie disco washes down 30 nyquil with a bottle of Jack Daniels and slips into an unending sleep.
Pisces – The Fish (19th Feb – 20th March)
Further devaluing of the pound leads to an unprecedented rise in home repossessions. Gordon Brown, is forced to leave number 10, because he cannot keep up with his mortgage repayments. Lloyds TSB now technically owns the British Isles and evicts all 57 million inhabitants, who are forced to tread water in the channel.
Aries – The Ram (21st March - 19th April)
Lengthening Dole queues in the channel lead to a resurgence in dirge music made by miserablist football hooligans from The North with no money, no job, no matches to go to, and nothing but a dinghy and an squire Stratocaster to their name. Sales of trainers rocket as shoe-gazing is resurgent.
Taurus – The Bull (20th April – 20th May)
Sales of skinny jeans plummet as people are forced to dress in neoprene survival wear. American Apparel’s share value collapses, Johnny Borrell offers to donate ½ all Razorlite’s earnings to help the ailing store. The share value collapses further.
Gemini – The Twins (21st May – 20th June)
After Andy Murray wins Wimbledon his genes are spliced with Lewis Hamilton’s to create an army of cloned warriors that repopulate the British Isles and do whatever Nicole Scherzinger tells them.
Cancer – The Crab (21st June – 22nd July)
Glastonbury is sunny, The Pussy Cat Dolls play to a sold out audience of 57 Million Andy Hamiltons, Michael Evis buys Zimbabwe with the profits and ends the tyranny of Mugabe.
Leo – The Lion (23rd July – 22nd Aug)
Simba the Lion King over throws Michael Evis after he turns Zimbabwe into the world’s largest dairy farm. A special dispatch of cows is sent immediately to wean Britney Spears into adulthood.
Virgo - The Virgin (23rd Aug – 22nd Sept)
Kfed comes clean about in-vitro treatment, it emerges that the much-maligned Britney has been a virgin all along and she marries Justin Timberlake. Not to feel left out, Timbaland raps at the wedding ceremony.
Libra – The Balance (23rd Sept – 22nd Oct)
Obama-mania fades as the American economy continues to free-fall. America can no longer economically support its war on brown people with oil. China threatens to declare war on Freedom until Arnold Schwarzenegger stages a military coo, seizing power and revealing that he actually is an indestructible terminator. Phew! Freedom is again obligatory for all.
Scorpio – The Scorpion (23rd Oct – 21st Nov)
After the hottest summer on record polar ice caps fail to re-freeze, homeless polar bears sue United States for their contribution to the loss of their natural habitat. Due to deepening financial crisis, US is unable to pay and forfeits all lands to the polar bears.
Sagittarius – The Archer (22nd Nov – 21st Dec)
Repairs to the CERN particle accelerator are at last completed. Homeless Schwarzenegger leads a terminator army into Europe, eliminates fierce resistance from wave after wave of dairy cows, and Murray/Hamilton clones, captures the device and uses it to create a braze new world. Neon lycra body suits, aerobics classes for all, and techno! Techno! TECHNO!
The Octacle has spoken…
He speaks quite a lot, actually. It gets him into quite a lot of trouble. Anyone’d think he enjoyed it.
http://www.myspace.com/ollytheoctopus
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
